Steve Wilkos asks: HOW MUCH IS YOUR KID'S NAME WORTH TO YOU?!

Let us start our magical tour with a trip back to the year 2002. Turok 3 had been released a couple of years prior and disappointed masses, so Acclaim was in full marketing mode for Turok: Evolution. In August of that year, the brain trust of Acclaim with much fanfare released a statement that any baby born on September 1st, 2002 had the chance to earn their newborn a $10,000 savings bond towards college or childhood expenses on the company’s dime. What’s the catch? The parents merely had to pre-register on the Turok Website, legally name their child Turok, then wait to hear if they were the lucky couple that won. Of course, they weren’t out of the woods yet as the kid had to keep the Turok name for one glorious, yet embarrassing year and the parents had to provide a birth certificate adorned with the beloved dino hunter’s name as proof. Once you look at the small print, it kinda seems like too much of a hassle, doesn’t it? Forget baby shaking British nannies or prom night dumpster babies, the real scarring is done by parents who are more than willing to sell out their kid for a quick buck. God I love America.

The real kicker is that there were reports of a few takers, but nothing official ever seemed to be released. You’ve gotta admit, it takes balls to do it, but you really can’t help but laugh at the fools that named their kid Turok only to find out they didn’t win. That, my friends, is the sweetest thought of all. Concurrently, Acclaim also offered $800 US to adults in the UK to change their names to Turok for a year. Apparently, there were actually a few people who lacked the dignity and social life to pull it off. I hope they all dreamed of their vast $800 fortunes while their consciousness was slipping away as their lungs filled with toilet water. Yum.